Somethings are just a little too late.

Like typing in front of this computer and using the microsoft word I've desired to use throughout all 4 weeks of report writing in fairfield. Sometimes I can't help but wonder why I took so long to do something as simple as acquiring someone else's login and password.

And now even as I'm typing away on a report and possibly enjoying it, it is a little too late, because... it's the last day. Sometimes it's a little too late to only receive feedback on the last day, some fundamental and regarding my character, some so minute you can turn it around in an instant.
And it's too late, I'm not going to get a chance to prove myself. To show that if someone told me earlier I can do it better. It's too late perhaps, to even try and see just how big a challenge it is.

It's too late to change the mind of the superior perhaps. Too late to speak with the louder word which is action. She'll be typing away a report on me, convicted that her observations are without any misalignment. It's too late, I cannot change those gleeful hands.

Today's feedback while humbling, was also frustrating. It felt like a "let's see how well you can blame yourself segment".
There were comments about how I can have higher EQ and improve on my inter-personal relations. Then there are the free-flying accusations of lack of proactivity. It does get ridiculous.
For instance, I was attached to this teacher from 4G with the vague instruction to assist him. First day at lessons I was asked to take the weaker students whose questions mainly centered around misunderstanding or ignorance of the marking scheme- LORMS.
Reflecting on that, I said I wished I anticipated that and got myself trained before going into class and making a fool of myself. I still think that to be something pretty decent for me to say.

But instead, I was accused of being passive. Of not approaching the teacher earlier to find out what I was required to do and then to, in my own time, go learn the things necessary. Oh, and forget about the fact that I attended those lessons only twice, she asked why I did not go the extra mile to help the students in other ways, as the other scholar did.

That's really bewildering. Did she mean that she has the right to expect that from me... and not her teacher? At best I concede that both me and the teacher I was attached to were not pro active enough. But seriously, to pin it down to me, on my last day in school...

This is why the feedback was frustrating. There were accurate stuff, and the downright presumptuous comments. It's like offering you something nutritious and then... mixing some dung on it and expecting you to swallow it whole on the account of what remains nutritious within.
And you want to retaliate, to clarify. But your gut is familiarized. It tells you that your qualifications, when perceived through those tinted glasses, become nothing more than excuses. Excuses which fortify the impression that you're just this dont-wanna-be-here person.

And now it seems all too late. No shot at redeeming yourself nor explaining your way away. But it isn't.

I guess what counts is what I do with the really relevant shreds of advice and criticism, what counts is when summer comes again next year.

I'm not good with the interpersonal relations thing I guess. But just because I'm bad it doesn't mean that every contrived criticism will stick.

I feel compelled to end this on an optimistic note.

I still am.