Galatians 3:3
Are you so foolish? After beginning by means of the Spirit, are you now trying to finish by means of the flesh?
This verse came to my mind as I was walking to school on Monday. I was thinking of her and all the good things God has brought us thus far. The times we disagreed but settled peacefully, the times of brave opinion and correction which brought us closer rather than drove us apart... we began in faith, looking to God to provide for everything... and everything was good.
And as I was walking, I was aware that something in my head has taken a turn. I've begun to... well, crave for her body. While the little acts of affirmation has gone well with me as they came, the consecutive days running from wednesday to friday took a toll on me. I was changing and the change was hidden from me.
Still ignorant of what was happening, I thought of her fondly, our messages conveying virtual hugs and pats on the head. I think I love her, I vaguely remember God... but I still do remember Him.
Taking in a breath, I responded to my recollection of the verse.
"By grace of course, or we'll be dead."
"No, you've gone by flesh instead"
This was the awful truth which only became apparent on tuesday. Fiercely anticipating our meeting, I alighted from the bus at central library. I see her, there, my heart leaps and I felt the euphoria I've been calling love. Everything felt okay, as normal as any other day. That was until the rain came down as we were walking down to clementi arcade (no don't be silly it's not THAT sort of arcade). Cheeky as I am, I put my arm around her shoulder and pulled her tightly against me as we shared the umbrella, freeing up unnecessary room beneath the shade. She was so tight beside me she could barely hold the umbrella up. It was enjoyable (and will be more so in the furture), but everything... went wrong from there.
From a prolonged holding of hands over ice-cream to her hooking of her arm with mine as we strolled down cold storage, to dubious looks exchanged along the sidewalk... to my intentional headbutts and her subsequent leaning on my shoulders, to my touching of her face... These things I shudder to imagine again.
Perplexed, I decided that we had to clamp down on these things because as they were all happening, she felt strangely far away, my heart strangely broken from a profound sense of loss. I learnt from her that night that she was cross with my take on her accommodation in sydney, over my seeming lack of biblical concern over the sexually immoral neighbourhood of larkin street. When I was able to somewhat successfully defend my position, she felt stupid and inadequate and was besieged by doubts about my love for her. Finding no recluse, she sought assurance by being physically intimate, thinking that if I would touch her she would be convinced that I loved her.
And the whole time I was just... enjoying it, the thought that she was feeling unloved eluded my mind. When I learnt that this was the case, I felt like an animal. For the first time the words "I love you" choked me, for there are serious reasons, since I went and did all of that, to doubt that I love her at all.
She said she doesn't want to give it up. She said that maybe there's God's plan in this. But really, none of that so much as put a smile on my face. A deathly weight bore down on me since tuesday night, a sense of dread I dragged with me to school... and back.
It was a sense of loss I guess. A sentiment that our mistake has caused us to lose something precious we can never get back. Then... there is also that sickening taunt, a relentless whisper by my ear, reminding me of how little I love her. That was... until she said that it felt like the honeymoon period just ended.
To me, the honeymoon period is where couples are deeply in love with one another. Of course the temporal honeymoons were driven by affection which could end... with boredom, with physical deterioration and so on. In my definition, if they truly love each other, the honeymoon lasts forever. Who says that people take each other for granted over time? It is not time, but fading love which causes ungratefulness. In my opinion, true love causes eternal honeymoons, a relationship I'm certain all God-loving people share with God.
And the bible teaches that the man is to love his wife to the extent he lays his life down for her. Ephesians 5:25 says “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her”. The wife reciprocates this love with submission to the man. Such love takes the relationship into a perpetual honeymoon.
By I love her so little. That was evident in the following verses “27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—”. I had forsaken my role of caring for her and keeping her pure, holy and blameless. I was unaware of her danger and carried her away to blameworthy things. The Word judges that I don’t love her very much at all.
Upon realising that, the sense of loss evaporated. I never had it because I love her so little and hence was never in the honeymoon to begin with. We didn't fall from an ideal state... rather we were always journeying towards it and this encounter now seems like a huge leap forward- our honeymoon is not only not over, it is not yet.
I became suddenly joyful. I know that the perfection God describes in the bible is humanly unattainable, meaning that God performs everything He describes. This love is a God thing. His goodness is behind it. He will supply the strength and change the heart into adequate instruments. If this is a God thing then... Even when it seems unsalvageable, it is.
Then I felt it, a calm surge of love for her. One which quietly desires her purity, one so strong it began to drown out all my desires for physical intimacy, I felt us returned to the days from before when we knew of our affection for each other, saw of God’s grace in it and were satisfied. I was... Satisfied again.
“Do miracles ever stop happening?” was the first thought in my mind. Why, many times over God has visited us with His grace and each revisit seems more incredible than the last. I’ve had my previous relationship torn apart by the very same sense of dread, a dread which nourished negativity, anger and finally separations after separations. This same dread was dealt with within the day this time. I had eyes to see, to admit my lack of love and I was forgiven and freed. This exhilarating freedom, this defeat of an old enemy, can such magic happen again? My hope dwindles.
Yes it can, I resolved to be hopeful and confident, exercising faith in the God who loves me. I choose not nervous cowardice, but put on excitement and enthusiasm, looking ahead to the miracles God will continue to work. Show me the good things dear Lord, the pleasure of walking in your ways, the reward of trusting in you. Let me live in radical obedience and surrender to You.
A final note. I revisited the moment when I was set free and realised that the key was gratefulness. The eureka moment came as we attempted to give thanks to God, even as our hearts were sore and our hopes were low. In 1 Thessalonians 5, Paul gives some final instructions, explaining to what ends they were for in verse 23, “May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.” To rejoice(16), pray continually(17) and give thanks in all circumstances(18) was part of these instructions.
Rejoicing, praying, and giving thanks all serve as means through which God will sanctify and keep us blameless as we await Jesus’ return. I see now how God has fulfilled this promise of His, as we prayed and gave thanks, there also were we sanctified.
I love you C.
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