Stress is stressful. These days I feel myself worrying whenever my stomach shows any signs of indigestion or hyperacidity.
I worry when I break into unknown fevers (like the one last night), when I feel dizzy from climbing the steps in school.
It seems like I've become more fearful about health issues ever since I had the stomach problem a while back in august.
How can I not? The doctor diagnosed it as being stress induced.
Stress, as I know it, has never quite ceased to be part and parcel of my life these years.
However, surely there is a difference between being busy and being stressed?
Do I enjoy the things I'm doing? Do they bring satisfaction?
Am I excited or am I fearful?
I think that I get stressed when I don't do my work, when it starts piling up.
When I spend my time doing trivial things and when I want to focus on the serious stuff I feel like... I have no right to be.
I feel like such a pretender, and then I don't want to be a pretender
and then I realise that I'd have to say goodbye to the trivial distractions before I'll ever feel genuine
and then.. that just feels so difficult.
Am I expecting too big of a change in too short a time frame?
What does God expect of me? I think He expects me to get down to my knees and pray whenever I feel overwhelmed.
I think He means for me to take these moments of helplessness seriously.
Oh when my hands are full and my health betrays me
When my mind is troubled and it cannot pierce the fog around me
Teach me to turn my eyes onto You, these things are frankly beyond me.
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