Is it indigestion? The doctor says my stomach has been hyper-active with acid production. As a result, I feel uncommonly hungry but when I put food in the acid rises and I get heartburn. I also feel really bloated most of the time, bloated and hungry at the same time.
She interrogated me over a short span of 5-10mins. She concludes that none of the factors I brought up is chiefly responsible for the overactive stomach. She then suggests that I may be experiencing stress which I know not of.
I paused. My mum said the exact same thing to me when I was at home. She asked if I've been stressed lately, and characteristically, not knowing that I am.
Well I don't want to say that I am! I think that ever since my decision to change my attitude towards the leadership positions God has placed me in, life has been better! I've been feeling a lot happier... haven't I? To say that I'm stress seems to nullify that... but what's the point of rejecting reality?
Well, so I am. I don't even really know why I am. But a few minutes of guesswork on my bed proved to be illuminating.
Firstly, the modules this semester... well, they are of the discourse analysis sort. That stuff... they all bring me back to the admittedly traumatising days of media discourse and analysis. I hate that stuff. I hate it because I don't know much about it and my classmates don't make it any better by drawing flimsy arguments, aggravated by the teacher's endorsement. I didn't like it at all and now they're all back, reminding me that I've left some stones unturned in my time in school.
And then there are things that I need to just chill-out about. For instance, when someone else is put in charge of an activity for youth fellowship, I ought to stop being very egocentric about it and worry for it as though my image is affected by it. It's just bad. First, since it has been delegated I ought not to worry for it as though I'm in charge of it. Furthermore, even if I should worry for it I should find my self-image out of the question. I don't think any love for the organiser will place unhealthy stress on my mind. It's those self-absorbed interest which are perhaps eating away at my health.
"I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it" when it's all about You. I'm sorry that I often make things out to be about myself.
Then there are the self-destructing, time wasting, completely pointless activities that I still engage in extravagantly. Those need to go. There was this night when I had a dream which combined the theories of critical discourse analysis with the game of hearthstone. That is by far, without a shadow of doubt, the most excruciating dream in my life. There was this character which couldn't be killed... that character was the embodiment of leftist thought, seemingly fundamental to critical discourse analysis.
These activities disrupt my sleep, waste my time and make me behave in very irrational ways such as making myself out to be a lot more busy than I really am. Oh God please help me.
Please help me because obviously I'm still far away from understanding how to be a good steward of my gifts. Help me too because all of these happen when I don't love you.
Help me to seek You, then You shall make Yourself be found by me.
Come to me as the showers,
as spring rains which water the earth (Hosea 6:3)
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