What will it take?

I've been sitting around feeling mediocre recently.

There are many reasons for this, some of which I may not even know, but here goes.

1. Work, and honestly I don't know how long I need before I stop entering work with arrogance. A spent a day of timidity in office, 3 weeks of cockiness, 1 week of reality. I realised that even though the material looks like child's play, there's quite a host of theories behind them. Belittling it, my edits were too divergent from the rest of the chapters and as a result I really just wasted my team's time. 
2. Time squandered. I spent quite a bit of time rotting on YouTube, Facebook, reading random camera reviews because my money is coming in and I really want to make a good choice. But it's like a friend once told me, nothing is going to satisfy you completely, you got the love the one you've chosen. I think loving the one I've chosen does also mean to stop mindlessly scouting around. I need to sit down and think it through. Think what through? The things I want to do with a camera and how a particular model may fit right in. I also have to think about the things I want to let go, for instance, the occasional fantasy of snapping away low light photos at a dance concert. That has to go, I'm afraid. 
3. Spiritually, honestly, working at grange road has given me a good glimpse into work life. It really sucks. HAHA. Especially if there aren't any passionate christians at your work place. There's plenty in school and come to think about it, I haven't given thanks for it. But where I am now, waking too early to have quiet time, being too drowsy at work to have quiet time, being too tired when I'm home to pray properly... It's taking quite a toll. My mind, why, I think God is becoming an ever smaller part of its occupancy.
4. Other people. Just same old story. Everyone's just asking me questions during meeting as though they don't have a personal stake in what we're discussing. This wears me out a lot. It makes me feel that I'm fighting alone. And then they say, don't fight alone... oh wait, do they even say that? This is the sort of thing that I'm awkward to talk about. At the back of my mind something tells me I may be wrong. That a general negativity has shrouded my mind and I'm thinking poorly of people. Or maybe I just didn't try hard enough to let them have some sense of ownership. Man, I don't know. Sometimes I feel like saying "well why do I have to think of everything?" and then I realised that when I do think of it, it's like an answer to a long forgotten prayer to God to equip me. These moments are God's gentle promptings aren't they? The thoughts coming from my blindside, telling me how best to lead the team?

Of course these things are also affected by a poor sleep discipline. If I'm sleeping at 9 every night I'll kick ass from 6-9 the next day. But now, I let the mindless videos drag me beyond bedtime (okay look, even 10pm is excellent), I let my worries of "if I cut off these conversations now would I ever have a chance again to talk about them?" delay me. 

But let's start with a compromise. No more Facebook or Youtube on the computer. 

Wow it's like gouging out my eyes.