What is it to you?

http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/jesus-wants-you-to-be-you

I chanced upon this article at a timely period of my life as I contemplate the will of God regarding the future of youth fellowship in Church. 

I think I began the year optimistic (and idealistic), thinking that if we were willing, the gap between the Singaporeans and Malaysians can be bridged. I have since moved on, the experiences in the past 6 months informing me deeply about the cost of my idealism. 

Today I no longer think that it is wrong for us to separate, that somehow it is a necessary calling that we learn how to being in the same fellowship together. In fact, I realized the fallacy in the argument that we learn best how to love all brothers and sisters by having an inclusive youth ministry. Today I think that this is but a short cut- on one hand I try to love those in my fellowship, on the other, I give no attention to those in east malaysia fellowship. It's hypocrisy. 

I saw during my trip to Yunnan or my time with NUS vcf how much we're missing out back in church if the fellowship was of people having the same life experiences and speaking the same language. I now question if the cost we are paying today is even justified, worse, if the two peoples will benefit more from a separation. 

But there was a recent frustration. The radical thought and its tendency to appear controversial has left me wary of proposing it, fearful that it will result in alienation, awkwardness and the like. 

The frustration then, stems from the fact that I've come to know that many people have thought or desired this separation but have not been very forthcoming about it. Instead, when asked, they interrogate me as though they were a neutral party, hands folded, looking silently over the matter, just observing and not having a personal stake in it. 

That really makes me angry, knowing that the awkwardness can be done away with if we were all going to be more forthcoming. In my head I keep wondering why God doesn't torment them with the responsibility as He does with me. Then... I read this article. 

If I were to be sober and think about it... isn't there a reason why I was made the head of the ministry? 

"doesn’t revel in their distinctive refraction of God’s multifaceted glory. It doesn’t rejoice in the sweet providences God grants to them. It is not grateful for the blessings of their God-given strengths. It does not want to deal gently with their weaknesses"

I do not rejoice in the distinction of my lot, nor of God's providence that I should ruminate over the matter. I don't thank God that I can, at will, think the matter through carefully and clearly. I do not for a moment thank Him that I am strong where perhaps the rest are weak. 

Oh help me to regard my calling with that holy fear, thanking, praising and in humble execution. 

Let not the thoughts of "what about him" occupy my mind, but let my mind be focused on the honor of the task. 

May the work of my hands, the deliberation of the matter, bring You glory.