This thing called practicum

Aside from my usual rant about realizing how much of a loser I am, in contrary to how I'd like to think of my competencies as a teacher, which I then discovered was something properly termed as the "imposter syndrome".

The "imposter syndrome" is the feeling that your abilities have been one big sham. That you were only doing okay because you weren't doing any of the "real" stuff and now that the "real" is here you've shown to be an utterly incompetent fool, irrelevant to the "real" stuff.

Now of course I struggle a little with this, perhaps it would be simpler if I were convinced that I am an utterly incompetent fool. However, I am not completely convinced because I do think that some of what I have done in the past constitutes what people would call success and true grit.

But this thing called practicum, I think it really threatens death by a thousand (deep) cuts as I move frightfully from one day another, wondering what new revelation and surprise down the road will once again confirm my insufficiencies. It would be death if I have no hope, but the Bible tells me that every exposure of weakness and sinfulness is another step towards glory. (Occasionally) confident that God intends for my prosperity and not harm helps me to (feebly) soldier on.

I'm learning and reflecting on my past practices of teaching and realizing, slowly, that I may have done many of my students wrong. For one, it is clear that they have always commented that the lessons were rather deep, but I think I do recall watching their heavy eyelids fall.

I'm not your most considerate teacher, I do have a soft heart, but this soft heart is confounding because it is also really unfeeling. For one, it affects me when I can tell that my students are losing energy/interest, but it has not quite moved me to be more intentional with my lesson planning. I fear that what I am seeing now is a future self who is just like the most blame shifting teacher you find out there, ready to put the blame on the lack of discipline on the part of the students, or, on a better day, on the inadequacies in how lesson time is planned in schools.
Instead of bemoaning all of that, the key has always been in my hands, hasn't it? There is something I can do that can make a difference, and that is precisely what I do not.

I'm also thinking about all the times my lessons went rather poorly because I do not bother pitching them right. I throw a ton of theory at my students and watch them crumble under the weight. This is something that has happened over and over. I also noticed how my heart begrudges their lack of effort, when really, maybe it's just lack of consideration on my part. I do know the basics, I love the basics. I love clarity... why does it feel like it's a long lost love now? Why is it not naturally manifesting in my plans?

On that note, what am I even distracted by? What other goals am I aiming for, what is this thing that I chase instead of what I really need to nail?

Day after day I groan inside because of all the missed opportunities, the crappy lessons that have come and gone, that are now really difficult to salvage. I really want to get better, I want to get good with this.
But I only want it half the time. Sometimes I just want to run away instead.