Am I ashamed?

The canteen conversation diverted towards me all of a sudden. They were curious to know if I were attached. As the conversation went on it became apparent to one of the teachers that I am a Christian, mainly because of some "odd relationship rules" that only Christians would entertain. 

"Which fucking church are you from?"

The conversation then shifted away from me, as quickly as it had shifted towards me. Soon we found ourselves discussing organised religion. 

Now, pardon the vulgarities, but there aren't many teachers quite as human, as caring and compassionate as this colleague of mine. As a teacher, he is a deviant ideal, not remotely a poster boy of MOE, but nothing a discerning principal would fault. I have immense respect for this guy. 

And perhaps that was why I couldn't stand up to him. He makes the least sense when he discusses religion. He'd reach a certain level but lack the criticality to go beyond the common tropes that people would always take out and slam. But as the words rolled off his tongue, I couldn't find any confidence in myself to speak. 

Was it the intimidation? Was it the respect? Was it the fear of being ridiculed, of being classified as "yet another specimen of the fools in religion" that held me back? 

Or perhaps I agreed with him tacitly. 

Perhaps I do agree that I find it hard to understand why so many good and kind persons in this world are somehow on a march towards hell. Yes, the entrance into heaven has always been an unsettled area. 

Perhaps I was reeling from the guilt, from the realisation that I do not care about the people around me with that sort of passion that he has. I do not actually care that they are going to hell, I do not meditate on the tragedy until my heart breaks. 

But clearly he does. When he mentioned that his wife is a Buddhist, the wife with whom he is still so madly in love with, he can feel the immense loss and sense of injustice if someone as wonderful as she is, by human standards, was to be denied from the gates of heaven while some slimy Christian (who could be me) would make it. 

My character, my experience, my emotional investment barely matched his. Where was my place to speak? I cannot tell if I were guilty as charged or simply ashamed of the gospel. 

If anything, I think I have failed 1 Peter 3:15, being caught unprepared to give an account of the hope that is in me for the things that I have been entrusted through the teachings of the church. 

To be honest, I feel intimidated, lost. How do I face these giants? What defense shall I give? What helpful word can I say?