It didn't take me more than just a few days to change my mind though. This place is pretty awesome. My mentors are all very kind and loving people who aren't the least bit uptight.
The HOD in particular is very enthusiastic about teaching me and exposing to the different challenges as well as the answers that she has developed over the years.
It was also particularly unexpected that a former schoolmate of mine should take me for social studies. The other younger teachers are also all really easy to interact with. There's been a bit of ugliness so far, but as a whole, all is well.
But I think most curious of all is bumping into former HOD humanities in PJC and the conversation we had.
It began with a casual question about whether I've been going back to PJC. I replied no and without him asking for it, I offered an explanation as to why I haven't been. For me it's about the bad taste the whole A levels results left for me, of how I felt like they were trying to market me or claim credit for my results... such that teachers would pretend to know me, or claim to have mentored me in the scholars programme (which I was never in to begin with).
And so, entering a serious tone, he told me that he could sense that I have many burdens and bitterness from that time that I have yet to put down. He told me about many things but I guess most importantly, he told me that I should come to terms with them and move on.
He also explained to me that a big reason why I got my scholarship was because of the principal's recommendation. That... was a very humbling moment for me. I've always found it puzzling how I got bumped for consideration of a higher scholarship, of how angering the permanent secretary did not jeopardise my chances and... I guess I used to attribute it simplistically to the idea that "well, I must be that awesome then".
This former HOD was quick to point out that he didn't mean that I have no substance, but he reminded me that the selection process is a lot more thorough than I imagined. His point was that be it as it may that I have bad memories from PJ, there are ways in which I am indebted to it, there are many things I learnt from it that I must certainly not discount.
He then concluded pragmatically that for the good of my career I should be careful to paint a holistic picture of my experience in school. He cautioned me from foolhardily expounding exclusively on the bad things I experienced.
"If you think of yourself as a perceptive person, why do you not show that you have perceived the benefits too?"
These circumstances are very strange and unexpected indeed and I can't think of a better way to say it than that it's like an ambush of grace.
I think about the frustrations that I still struggle with... the things (or person) that God doesn't seem intent on giving me at all... and I just want to weigh it with the grace that I've experienced these few weeks.
And I want my restless heart to repeat this after me,
"You are my Lord; I have nothing good besides You"
I shared this Saturday that these days I've been considering one thing, so as to not dishonour God. I've been asking myself if there were anything that I really wanted, that in fact, I also currently possess. It has brought much joy to my heart that... I really want to have a mended relationship with God and deliverance from my depravity and that in fact these things are granted to me.
It's like potato chips I say, it's like when I'm seated in front of the computer and I suddenly feel like having some chips and then I realised that I had bought some the other day but had forgotten about them. Realising that then, I find the chips and I am overjoyed, to want something and to actually just simply have it.
Now, that's a thought really worth meditating upon.
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