ill-motivation

It's been how many? 3 weeks?
3 weeks since we met to have round 2. These 3 weeks have been a roller coaster ride. I've been thinking of them as God's test.

Was I too arrogant when I said that I can live with this, this fruitless hoping?

I still think that it is the right thing to do. If you really like someone you really shouldn't get too set back by her rejection. In a way, this is part of courtship isn't it?

But back to the question. The things that happened these weeks remind me about something she said. She asked if this was going to take up all my energies and make me inept to do the things I ought to do. I think the idea is that if it were the case then in a sense I've lost the right to hold on.

Doesn't matter if it is logically plausible, it's personal. If by holding on I allow myself to live in a very unworthy manner then perhaps I really should think about whether this is permissible for me. This has been the question on my mind these weeks. Can I handle it? Did I overestimate myself when I said that I could live with it?

Maybe I really cannot.
Why am I unwilling to give up then?

Ill-motivation I suppose. Somehow I am of the opinion that by holding on this way I'm being particularly productive, fearing that if I gave up, for now, that I'd lose the chance forever.

There is something that hasn't quite gotten into my head, it's something really simple. It's simply that I actually gain nothing by holding on. It's not as though when I give up I'm giving her up to someone else. You can't give up somebody if you've never had her to begin with. There's a queer, unexamined thought in the midst of all of this.

I think the answer is clear now. Not only am I unable to handle it, I'm ill-motivated about it. The appropriate move therefore, is to eat the humble pie and give up. I suppose what is comforting to me is the idea that it is possible to genuinely say that you like someone and yet give up the hope.

Particularly, if you're only giving up, for now.