What lies ahead

I went back home last night. I guess it was because I wasn't feeling too great last evening, having freshly lost my matriculation card.
I must say it's quite a pain, I thought it was no big deal until I needed to tap my way into the writing unit. Typical isn't it? The surprise is convicting evidence that I took the card for granted, having failed to be fascinated by the access it grants me.

But anyway, speaking to my mum helped me to think through why I found being the head of youth ministry tough. I think the first thing is that I remain a cell leader. This is actually pretty unprecedented stuff. It has lots of implications, mainly that I tend to mix my worries about the running of the cell group with that of the fellowship. I find myself easily discouraged when people don't turn up, even if from hindsight I realize that the issue, as I have said repeatedly, lies not in the absence or presence, but how hard we strive to have consistent fellowship with one another.

And that's the problem with the rhetoric of numbers in church. The attendance of meetings are so heralded as indicators of success. But that can be so misguided sometimes, especially if the timing of meeting is bad to begin with.

Next is that... I think the members in the committee are struggling a lot as well. Some are incredibly pessimistic, others incredibly silent, some unnecessarily apologetic and perhaps some are wondering why they even signed up for it. So... running the fellowship is like leading two cell groups. My own... and then the leaders. I guess this is the source of saturation, the reason when I say "I feel like my heart has no more space". From a carefree bugger to a worrier for so many persons... yeah, of course there will be inevitable discomfort.

Then there is the youth worker himself. I found myself needing to watch out for his feelings. To balance between insisting on the way fellowship has been run or giving space for him to do some things so he feels needed, so he feels useful, so he feels accepted. The last thing that can happen will be if the youths reject him as a whole. On the other hand, reporting to him is uneasy... we're used to the freedom we've enjoyed so many years without a youth worker. Now, to have my ideas willingly submitted to criticism... that's new stuff for me. Oh, to have to care for his feelings too.

Then there is the feeling of abandonment. Is it justified? Is it inevitable to feel that way when the people you have worked alongside for 2 years choose to leave and then... somehow leave completely? Their departure or sudden lack of involvement just causes this welling up of questions within me. Were they very unhappy working with us or were they unwilling? Are they blind now or has it always been?

And so it's these invisible things which make the work feel heavier than it is. Now that I know them, I place them into Your hands Dear Lord. There are things I think but am afraid to ask. There are things which I think which I do think correctly. Nonetheless they are all things I cannot carry. Help me to pray more for the answers are only found in You.