half-hearted

Over utown-cf today, I had the privilege of being present on a day when the attendance was anomalous. It was a lot easier to share the thing that was on my mind.

Few days have passed since the year began. Looking at my hands, I see them loaded with responsibilities. There's open house manpower, acting-head of neighbourhood, hip hop classes on tuesdays, floorball and frisbee inter-college games as well as this new committee I found myself walking into. I don't even know what its name is.

And as I shared I felt a tinge of guilt. I make myself sound overloaded... but trust me, I still have free time. Free time and spend rotting before the computer, lazing around and... sometimes a little too much sports. 

So... on one hand, I rationally receive the new responsibilities; I can see that I don't struggle with my academics and my gift in many areas is evident (perhaps too evident these days). On the other, I'm growing bitter. It's an insidious creeping poisoning that is beginning to make my attitudes toxic. I'm starting to be protective of my own time.. starting to like to make my life out to be hard. 

It's crazy. I can only thank God that I notice it... at the very least I know. It's slipping in from beneath my nose... but I catch a few whiffs every now and then. 

But I doubt this is the biggest source of woes. 

The sports. The emptiness I felt today as I left in stark contrast with the initial enthusiasm with which I ran down in my gear... I'm not playing for enjoyment. I was putting up a show.

I hope you don't read my blog. Actually I'm sure you don't. 

At any rate, I came face to face with the child in me again today... not the child in the good sense, but the one who is immature and trivial. 

Sometimes I try motivating myself with words like "those guys are cool with their violent faces, but I think you have good taste, taste good enough for the girl who goes after someone who is different"

It hardly comforts me. I know the problem isn't there. 

But the game goes on. So I have resolved to:

play sports 

train hard 

Be patient and look out for the weaker ones.

To be in the game but to reject being consumed. 

To play it for itself... to aspire to improve and not impress. 

Oh God, you didn't give me a brain which moves even as I play for nothing. 

Please let me have my cake and eat it too. Please put me to good use. 

Won't you be with me even as I play the games? 

let it be so.