you know, i always thought i knew how you felt
when your gastric ulcers protested, when you collapsed to the floor
where you dealt with the convulsions and lost your consciousness.

well, i never did.
not at least until yesterday.

The medics rushed me into the treatment room, my temperature hit 39.4
It's critical they, they said.
they laid needles and drip bags on the table before me, and discussed briefly
regarding which bag or which needle they'd choose.

they constricted my arm in hopes of finding the vein, but they could not.
in desperation, one of the medics jumped onto the slightest visible vein...
I could feel the needle dividing its way into my flesh.

blood began to fill the needle's hollow because the drip was unable to enter.
Slowly, the medic removed the needle and stopped the bleeding.

"so how now? do we use the 18gauge?"
"i think i'm more confident with the 18..."
"hey, but shouldn't we let him rest for aw.."

everything faded into the background. All of a sudden i wanted to rest my head
wanted to close my eyes and wish it all away.
then my vision became pixelated.. and my limbs were turning cold.

I was losing my arms.. they started to feel foreign.
my head felt lighter and my eyelids weighed down.

I was afraid.. but a sense of comfort overwhelmed me..
"just let go.. it'll be better, let's go"
something soothing, reassuring clouded my mind..

as i was dragged onto my feet, i almost completely lost my vision.
that was when I thought of you.. and that day.

that day..

you were sick and resting at home, you caught the flu.
between lessons we'd message because you didn't want me to be distracted in class.
that day you told me something i did not want to hear..
and right then i lacked the maturity to think it through..

that day it all fell apart, whoever i was to you took a complete turn
for the first time you decided "enough is enough".
I can never know how upset or how angry you were.. because you'll never tell me.
but when I reached home and heard you fainted...

back there in the dimly lit corridoors in the wee hours of morning. My I was shocked back into life.. I was disgusted by the way I treated you.. of how I'd defend myself- that I wasn't the one who did not understand, but you were the one who always overreacted.
Forsaking that falsely comforting voice in my head, I flexed my sinews of willpower,
and reached within for a desperate source of power to stay awake..
By then my vision was gone, but nevertheless I dragged my feet along, trusting that when I reached the bed, all will be better..

I never knew fainting was that scary...
And today, I sit here blogging.. all by sheer grace.