To Parents

Even as I consider what marriage is all about..

Well, yesterday was a special day, we had fellowship gathering with the adults. In particular was this idea of not taking our parent's love for granted.
How do we not take it for granted? By articulating our appreciation for it. 爱不要只挂在心上。

And so of course as humans do, some parents began going on the extreme, becoming defensive/aggressive out of the blue and saying all sort of extremist absolute statements about how all parents love their kids and sadly not all kids love parents. That's really nonsense if you asked me.

For:
It is easier for a parent to conceal their lack of love (all sorts of excuses come in: It was good intention, poor execution, it was tough love, it was...)
But when children are unfilial, it's super obvious and inescapable.

At any rate, some more sensible parents were able to seize the moment and ask the right questions. One lady in particular, asked:
“什么最容易惹孩子的气？”
A question which refers to Ephesians 6:4
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (ESV)

And so it was the youth's turn to make a mistake. As though triggering a long buried grievance, some began to ever so innocently pour out their frustration. "Oh I hate it when my parents tell me to drink water while I'm busying with work, it's like they don't respect me and think I'm an idiot."

"For me.. it's when they..."

"..."

There was an unease in my heart as I heard the sharings come. Can it be that parents really provoke their children to anger by asking them to drink water? I mean, for instance, did the mother of that youth really think he was stupid? 

Well, in all likelihood, most likely no. 

Compelled to say something edifying, I spoke. 

I said that first I doubt the bible is taking a consequentialistic view about provoking your children. So here it says that provoking is something we should make effort to not do, however, I don't think that it means to ask parents to decide on the issue by looking at the reaction of their children i.e. they have not immediately violated this command when their children are provoked.

Instead, I plead with them to consider our insolence, immaturity and foolishness which is common with youths. I tried reminding them that we know little and often spare too little thought for why they talk and nag. I tried reminding them too that we are not acquainted with loss of love ones and are slow to cherish. 

I tried reminding them that more often than not, it's our own immaturity or estrangement from God which causes us to be provoked. 

And so I hazarded a guess that when the bible says "do not provoke" it really means "do not mean to provoke". That parents should not find themselves in an unscrupulous position where they have an intent and design to anger their children, which is unloving. Instead, they should always preserve a loving heart towards the children God gives to them. 

At this moment I felt God moving amongst us, mediating my poorly expressed in chinese sharing and kneading a smile onto a few faces. I hope they weren't prideful with their smiling (like aha! the kids finally admit they're dumb) but that my sharing addressed a struggle that existed. I hope they have often frowned at the difficulty between following the bible and doing their loving nagging and now see how the two come together. 

Surely when appreciated, this verse may work to cut down nagging. Parents may find better ways or may be reminded, as the older, wiser party, to articulate and make explicit the love which belies all the nagging we youths hate. 

Hopefully coming to know that the verse targets "motive" and not "result" will cause our parents to become more reflexive, to carefully select the form of expression such that they can communicate their love better to their children. 

I hope the smiles were real, I pray they love their children. Teach them dear Lord, as you are the perfect father. Whereas for us, the youths, may we learn to submit to them even when we do not understand. Help us to mature quickly dear Lord, that we may not anger our parents for long.