I got up this morning after a night of proper sleeping (finally, finally a sleep which adequately express the fact that the exams are over). My mum was in the kitchen and the first thing she said was that my aunt is in the hospital and I should visit her.
I was unwilling, but I knew I should and so I agreed and before long we left the house.
The long walk from outrum to block 6 was interspersed with acute aches emanating from my tooth. I felt miserable. It's still there and aching (and getting worse by the day) because my parents don't want me to do the surgery at a private clinic. It's impossible for them to know how it kept me up last night, again.
Having arrived at the ward I plopped myself into a chair because my energy was almost spent just containing the pain and maintaining a smile on my face. My aunt had a fall or something and has a slipped disc. Already in her 70s I believe, she still looked incredibly energetic, propping herself up on the bed enthusiastically... she did not look the least bit slip-disc-ed.
She grabbed my arm and called my name, her triumphant expression as though mind-reading me since the adults always mix me and my brother's names up. I forced myself take her seriously, I was already in a poor mood by then, prone to not care or take anybody's words seriously. But she was heaping blessings on me, as usual.
I sat down and kept to myself. Tens of minutes ticked by until she turned towards me again.
She asked me if I were busy now, wanting to know if I were visiting her while sidelining some work I had to do. I said I did. I said that this holiday doesn't look must of a holiday to me at all.
In my mind I think of some of the less desirable things which have elapsed. I think of how just monday I was asked to help but got dumped the whole job of prepping for Saturday's fellowship (a slight bitterness I overcame and Saturday turned out really well, but now it just came back, like an old wound) and then on Sunday breakfast I entered the planning effort for Kid's camp and it turns out they heaped alot more duties on me than I had previously agreed to. Plus the rehearsal where everyone came late because they couldn't get their priorities right about eating lunch and sat around subsequently shrugging shoulders and saying matter-of-factly that they did not read the script. I was feeling so helpless, worse because I squandered monday away, checking out and then just lazing at home being unproductive.
With all the camps coming up... with the fellowship month finale to set in stone requiring all sorts of expertise I don't already have... I said
"yeah, actually I do have work to do."
And my aunt replied innocently, looking at her legs now in pain and numb from the slipped disc, "isn't it great to be able to run around and do things?" the sense of longing in her eyes unmistakable, my heart broke within me.
That she was unaware of what was really going on in my life was incredible... remarkable in that it really didn't matter. I want her to tell me the same even if I told her about what happened. It'll still be the same, it is still great to do things... it is still great to serve God.
My mum returns to the ward. She turns and starts speaking to my mum in dialect. The short conversation was over, but long enough for me to know.
Dear Lord there's a lot waiting for me to do. Many I don't enjoy doing... like arts camp. I don't even know why I agreed. I'm wishing now that I am a tougher nut to crack and much lesser of a yes man. I haven't even trained for IPPT on 25th may, which I now know to be right after bible camp. I don't know how you're going to mould those lackadaisical youths into adequate actors. I don't know anything at all.
I feel like a fool with my little attempts to control my life. Please help me to look to you first when I wake, look to you first when the problems come, look to you in my enjoyment, look to you in the pain, look beyond the pain in my tooth and to fall asleep still looking at you.
Where else shall I turn to? Make me cling onto you that I may not die, but instead, find life in this striving.
Amen.
C is teaching today. I pray she speaks fluently and incisively, is conscious of any selfish ambition and is determined to be right before you. As the trip takes a turn for what seems like low-key with the trip tomorrow to her cousin's house, I pray you keep the fervour in them and cause them to actively seek to fulfil their purpose there, that is, to strengthen the missionaries. Continue to keep her in the spirit of unit with the other two that they may be spared the grief of unnecessary quarrels.
I have no idea what's going on right now... all I can do is to put them into your hands, in which they surely are, already.
Amen.
No comments:
Post a Comment