leaving'

i know, i already know that i will be feeling BAD
after O's.
nope, its nothing abt studies, abt not getting A1s or book prizes.
its just that..
really.. the year came and is now passing.
everything changes, but due to the desire to see things change,
i myself remained unchanged.
there were so many things i should've stood up for.
so many opportunities i should've grapsed.
so many times when a leader was needed and i just watch things collapse.
so many times a constructive word was demanded...
but i just left.
so MANY more times God gave me the chance.
to mend broken ties, to give others the chance.
so many times i would argue back.
"Lord whatever, this is not my problem"

as i think, it hurts and it throbs..
i always thought i'd be the last one to survive
and i'll be ready and quick to lay down my life.
but no, if i saw deeper, i think i simply lacked love.

love uh? love.
reminds me of family.
my family...
my aunts and uncles are all @#%## people.
but my family is really the role model.
sometimes it scares me.
for i think im incapable of continuing such immense legacy.
would i be able to love my kids in the future, like how my parents loved me?
and if i do... why would that be?

lets not talk abt the future. start now with your diminishing classmates.
God says to have no compromising...
gguuuh... what am i thinking...
why would i want to hate?
why would i want to lust?
why would i want to sow discord...
what do i gain from verbal victories?

!!!
funny. i thought tomrrow's physics practical?
also.. sleeping 3 hours in the afternoon doesnt make me invulnerable?
time bades me to leave.
and indeed i shall.

some things are better settled before you take exams uhh..
go, and do, quickly...

love?
we know it, but sometimes we just dont know how to...
replicate it in perfection.
in the truth.
in our own image and style.

goodness, just ask God will ya?