dust

snEEZE!
yeah. you know what happened.
the usual excuse to vindicate myself from all blame
for not tending to the blog for ages.

oh the last time, i left here on some emo crap.
well now, lets emo a little more.
as i continue to talk about how it was a really weird graduation
or thanksgiving whatever...
well.
firstly. tallk abt the mood.
i didnt feel sad.- maybe i should be sad abt not feeling sad though
oh i didnt take enough photos. and i prolly wont get the chance to anymore.
i didnt do enough stupid things.
the stupidest being splurging in macs after the whole thing.

i didnt get motivated, i didnt have a spur to care more.
i was just having all the
screw and get over and done attitude.
i was just thinking abt how joy (surname excluded)
shouldnt have said some stuff to jeremy, and abt how
she and her piercing voice never suited worship leading.
but then again.
i dont care.
im feeling so... indifferent.
so damned
so screwed. so unfeeling.
so cold so heartless.
so unforgiving, so hard.
so blind, so deaf
so neglecting
so ...

i dont know. it just feels like.
a year has passed. nothing's changed.
prospects are still as they were as i left them october last year.
the sense of hopelessness if overwhelming.
im emotionally, mentally devastated.
im sick of acting.
im sick of not acting either,.
im sick of being unable to get to my point directly.
i want people to know.
but i dont know who should
and as of now no one qualifies.
sometimes... i dont even tell God, cauz i'll just say.
"you already know it all" grudgingly.
im crazy, im back sliding
im falling away im rotting away.
i dont know what im doing, i dotn know what im saying.
i just know that...
i gtg.