The table tennis dream

I find it necessary to share this because the strain of handling it alone is breaking me.

So for those who are wise enough to make educated guesses, I had this table tennis dream and of course, it involves a girl who actually does play table tennis in real life.

In my dream, I was going to play a game of table tennis with her. Only, it was difficult to find a table. There were no actual table tennis tables and so I spent a long time looking for one. When I finally found one, it was a table which was bumpy and the ball would bounce off at erratic angles, making it near impossible to have a meaningful game.

After a long search, we found a proper table. She served and I took a big swing, only to find that I missed the ball entirely because somehow I was holding a miniature bat. Puzzled, I swapped the bat in my hand for a normal looking bat at the side... only to have it miniaturise as my hand closed on it.
This happened repeatedly. Each time the bat was becoming every slightly larger, until it was large enough.

We then had a few rounds but I woke up.

In a sense, the dream is pretty reflective of how I feel. I feel like I'm in unfavourable circumstances (the table perhaps?) and even when circumstances are well, I'm not in the position to take advantage of them. I feel lacking, I feel like a second fiddle, I feel like a miniature pingpong bat.

And this feeling really crushes me. It makes me feel like just sitting around and doing nothing. Now this is only the beginning of the problem.

When I do get up to do something, I feel like I'm doing them all for the wrong reasons.
I want to climb mountains for the wrong reasons, I want to travel for the wrong reasons, I want to be serious in school for the wrong reasons, I want to serve well in church for the wrong reasons. I read my books for the wrong reasons, I probably also read the bible for the wrong reasons. Maybe I pray for the wrong reasons too.
In short, this is a case of idolatry.

Why I am such an idolater I do not know. Why do I think about it, hang onto it, desire it as though my life depended on it, I do not know. So pray for me. It's obvious that this will ruin me. I've been praying that God will help me to grow up so I can put this in its proper place.
I'm reminded of the message at the beginning of the year. When we pray for God to help us love Him, does He make us magically love Him? No, the pastor said, He gives us opportunities to choose Him over every other thing in our life.

I can see that God is doing that right now. It is painful.
Please pray for me to grit my teeth and choose Him every time... and not only because I cannot choose otherwise (it is very one-sided btw), but because I'm eager to learn to love Him.

I cannot know if I'll get to the game of table tennis as per the dream. But as a good sister reminded me recently, "do not think that you will get it because you lay it down".
Oh God have mercy.
How do we even begin to not want something we want.
Work Your miracles in me.