It's been a semester of hit and misses... with many instances of "too late".
I shudder.
Thank God for the comic relief this morning. It's the silly things in life that makes all the solemn stuff bearable.
After hauling a huge box of stuff to the taxi and home, I thought I was done.
But I thought too soon. A call came in, and a familiar voice was on the other end. The guy at the counter during check out was on the line. Turns out I returned my tap key... and along with it, my matric card.
2nd time I lost it. Once after philosophy paper, and now, again.
I change into my running attire because I live so near angsana. I bring my ez-link card to be on the safe side... And it didn't take long for the run to convince me into taking a bus anyway.
Why? That crazy ING on saturday. Every single muscle on me is sore, even muscles I never knew existed are crying out in pain. I have been "helping" myself into chairs and I take care to not laugh or cough too much. So much, from a full day's of sports.
Frisbee, floorball, captains ball and finally basketball. I played every single one of them, and played every single match, save for captains' ball.
As I arrived in U-town round noon, it already feels different. The place is... unfamiliarly silent. It almost feels like the very same day I checked in mid-way through arts O week. Beyond that is this sense of absence. I felt a trace of this when she left on saturday, but I feel it more acutely now.
"We lost the game" I typed. "Even so, I think I lost my temper more times than I lost games today."
She didn't stay for the conclusion of that intense face-off at floor ball finals. There's something she saw though, throughout the day. A side of me often tucked away.
You see, hope is a very odd thing and bitterness can run so deep.
I've been bitter, bitter every following day since my exams ended. I was bitter because people were shitting all over the games, even after they signed up. I wonder and find myself amused at how some can sign up, when they are going to be overseas on the gameday. I'm also amused that some can claim they can't make it, only to have me catch them checking out when I was taking a break between games.
I can't decipher the frivolity and lies these people give me. All day long through the week when I laboured to get their attendance.
And so I was bitter. But that's not all.
The frisbee team. I hounded them from the day the list was finalized. Pleaded with them to go down for trainings but they wouldn't. For the few who did, they were so often over-zealous. Which was a dilemma really. Sometimes they'd try a big play or something fancy and improvised and their lack of skill prevents them from proper execution.
I don't know what to make of it. I can see the effort and thought that goes into it because I used to be the same. I used to work my mind for creative plays which may give me an edge over the professionals. I know it's something thoughtful, but more often than not, it simply throws the game away.
And so on friday I tried correcting these things, I criticized and chided them. I tried to point them towards a more "conscious" and responsible style of playing.. and they were lapping it up.
So why the opposite, on saturday? Why were they not man-marking no matter how many times I reminded them? Soon I began shouting. (but at least I did not become sarcastic, phew)
But I could have made through that day without shouting... so why did I do it?
I wanted to win. Yet, it was a new desire. I did not have victory on my mind the entire week. I knew what we were up against, I knew we stood little chance, I thought I resolved to just have fun...
But the first frisbee game reignited it in me.
It was red house, the strongest house. They scored and we equalized. I thought I tasted a brief possibility... that if we were to stick to the principles, be orderly, disciplined and throw ourselves into the game... that we could win.
and so the lack of discipline (though expected and understandable) really ticked me off. This, together with the latent bitterness saw me lose my temper many times in the morning.
The problem was hope. The day was filled with instances where a flicker was teased before me and then put out. Repeatedly.
All along, she was watching. They were all watching. I knew they were watching... but none of it did anything to slow me.
Then the floorball games and my disputes with the referees (though I still think I'm right, look at the pictures, look at all those high sticks, please).
To think of it, this isn't the first time. It isn't the first time I'm showing my true colours before the angsanians.
The first formal dinner was another. Where I was almost drunk and was misbehaving that a Residential Fellow told me that I needed to "get the F**K out!"
Then this.
I don't know what people think, neither do I know why they forgive me. Neither do I know if they do forgive me. Trying to put together the better side of myself in front of a girl is the small part- I'm sure everyone does it to a certain extent. I just wonder... at the conclusion of the first semester, if there is a deeper problem.
Or maybe I should've stuck to staying away from sports.
"Aiya there's always next sem.. next sem more ready."
"next sem don't want alr. I was thinking that.. for me, I lost my temper more times than I lost games today."
"why not? Yeah, probably.. maybe too eager to win, ahh it happens lah, during competitions."
"woah, that's a very unexpected reply"
"what did you expect? hope it doesn't offend you"
You really thought so? I wish you are right in thinking so.
That...
That my reactions were legitimate
that...
I'll really be ready next semester
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