Creating pain in the bypassing of it.

What, am I taking my A levels this year? Nope, not really.

Maybe it's just a culmination of things, you know, issues which are dwarves in themselves.
Little things getting to know one another, then joining hands and tripping me all over.
Then something else rises in me. It's the real nemesis. He's always within.

He gets up, frustrated and throws everything down.

It's a self sabotage.

Who are the dwarves?
The writing module paper 3 is a dwarf. It isn't that hard. If only I borrowed the book.. if only I made the effort to.
Church camp is a dwarf if I choose to stick legalistically to my job scope. If I can reply coldly "er, I think that's your job" to all sorts of requests it wouldn't be a big deal. As it stands I'm not convinced that I should relegate it to dwarfness.
My exams? Ha ha. Why do I only mention them now? I have no idea. They're not much, in themselves. I just never really had a peaceful exam period. Each is fraught with all sorts of demons. All wrestling for my attention, all knowing that I will spare them some, always.
And then there's this idiot friend. Who's doing the same thing she did the last term break. Why always at this timing? I'm not sure. What shall I do? Play victim... or should I be the nice guy. Shall I dismiss this as I did the previous time? Or shall I insist. Shall I make things difficult on the basis that this happens to be one of my peeves? I'm considering, I'm thinking hard.
I also wonder if it's even worth thinking hard over.

There's something else, a same old theme I'm sick to repeat. After a run... I wonder. I wonder if my actions changed anything. I wonder if it changes your mind. I speculate about what you really think of me... and then I wonder why I even care.
I'm almost done rationalising my way out. I almost done seeing that nothing good's coming out of this.
But the enigma draws me back. I may certainly never find another. You're an opportunity far too golden.

But why shall I drag my heels over this? What if something happens. What if, this falls off the precipice?

Back to life, back to looking at it.
These little concerns, the concerns other than my studies are the ones I'm really after. They flood my mind and rob my time. I'm compelled to bypass my studies and think about the things I'm really after. But in the bypassing of this hassle
Is the creation of real pain.

How does one finish his essay and preparations for sociology (the whole of both) in a day?
God please make me a genius for once. Like a DOWNRIGHT genius.
I dread the coming days. I passionately hate them.