We're having some choir activity now. A moment of reflection. We get to choose to do it in solitude and so as usual, that is what I chose. 

I just felt compelled to write this. Meeting today kind of brings me back to the start of this year.

This is a good time to think about it.

And to think about it, the start of this year already feels foreign. Again, maybe nothing in my immediate environment changed drastically, but my mental landscape has had some significant terraforming.

I already knew from the start that this year was going to be a rough ride. Unsure of how a first year committee member can be chief group leader and also unsure of how exactly I'll be able to engage adults in Chinese. Finally, all these decisions were made without an inkling as to how life as a relief teacher would be nor eventually,  how university will play out.

The whole year just passed like that. There were few days where I found myself doing something really for fun. Every moment of fun was like a moment of de-stress. They come like a much needed antidote for the poisoning of my mind by all sorts of labour. I did not really have time to seek out fun. Well, even the hongkong trip was a bit of bittersweet.

Then came university. Even O week seems like a distant mystery to me now. I do not remember why I was that happy and carefree. University... well in attempt to avoid misrepresentation, is not all that bad, just no cause to scream "awesome!" "I've waited for this my whole life of 20 years and it is worth the wait!"

Not even close. Not even close baby.

And so over the course of the few months my initial fear just lifted. It was not even because I found the fears unjustified, but that the tsunamis swept irresistibly over me and drowned them all. I had a cause to fear, but instead I just got dragged along the undercurrent and went through the obstacles, one by one, as they came.

I got embroiled in a few rounds of extreme distractions: where there were girls who drifted so ever closely to my ideals.. and one who scored so well in the physical attraction department that.. Oh nevermind.

But back to the point, it's nearing the end of this year and... I don't see why I was so fearful at the start. More importantly, I don't even know why I don't feel afraid. I'd rather I feel that way.

Because life is passing so quickly, my sentiments are quick;y becoming synonymous with reality.

If I bungle along, if I just get through somehow, if they don't leave scars... I don't feel alive.

In fact, I'd think I lived too carelessly. And once again, even though I notice this every year, the year passed unnoticed. 

I don't know what warrants the smile on my face today. I'm still struggling pass everyday, barely, passively making it.It's just one sequence after another. I'm just a cart on rails.

I want to savour it. I want to feel the fear I felt.. so that somehow it certifies that the sentiments I felt were genuine.

And consequently my live was lived.