Comprehend

"No Surprise"

Brought my mind back to the final days of army. Those days where though the end was imminent we were in no hurry to forgive each other. We were political till the very end, the prospect of the end did no bring us peace nor motivate us to settle for even some cheap (because it would have been so much worthier if we did it in the toughest of times) reconciliation.

The staggered leaves and offs did not help at all.
The groups who stayed behind together stuck together, each one with words to say about the choice of days the others took. Everyone had an opinion about the ones who delayed their wisdom tooth extraction to the final days.

As the song played on, a mysterious sense of loss welled up in my heart. This loss harkens back to the insignificant days where as we walked back from the cookhouse, I mused about missing army someday when everything was over. But it doesn't stop there

My hypocrisy assaults me like a mad man with a club.
Dude, what are you really missing? This nonsense? You missing the pretentious smiles or the unproductive days? You can't miss something you didn't bleed for.

And what did I not bleed for?
Did I not put myself in the line of fire, have I not spoken courageously against the officers?
Have I not sacrificed, have I not gone the extra mile to cover the asses of those who were happy to burden everyone else?
Have I not, in a dramatic fashion, freely forgave my commander for the stupid decisions he made, one of which gifted me an injury I still deal with today?
have I not worked for a good ending, a life which I can look back and say, "no regrets?"

But it's not enough, much of what I did, I did for myself.
No wonder I felt so disillusioned. No wonder I felt that it wasn't paying off. At the root of it all was a lack of concern about each individual. I didn't really care what becomes of them, so long as I myself lived a life of no regrets.
But that in fact, is the biggest, immutable regret till this date.

See, the lack of love, of genuine interest in the individuals sabotaged every good thing. It was the point of everything, but without it...
Sometimes I catch myself looking at those people and thinking... well, these guys are just for awhile, shouldn't get too embroiled in their issues. Before I know it, I was aiming for the end, for the day when we have nothing to do with each other.

Perhaps hence the pain. A recurring theme in my life. A corruption creeping into my new shot in life. I set myself up for it, I turn disillusioned, my actions appear more costly, I become discontented, I withdraw, I give up... not knowing I gave up before I even tried.

What if this is simply me? It doesn't take long for anyone to realise that my stubbornness does utterly permeate me. I may not even change. I think of the people who eventually went along with me and accompanied me for many years.. I shudder at the thoughts I have about them. My cynicism, a dividing void, can sometimes prevent me from entering into the enjoyment.

I finally understand why it's no surprise.