why does it hurt so much?

well, the reason why i stayed in pj
my first close friend there
the person whose house i stepped into, countless times
the person i came to like
the person i tried to help
the person whose hope i reignited

but..
the person i tried to bring to christianity for my own selfish gain
also the one i've possibly let down the hardest
the one from whom i never spared a single harsh word
the one who had to entertain my insecurities even though it was never an obligation
the one whose hopes i brought too high but got lazy and never delivered..
the one who got worried on results day that i may despise her because of her results
the one who continued talking and staying around despite always feelig bad about herself around me... has possibly finally given up.

you know, sometimes i do feel lost when approaching you, unsure if my company was enjoyed.. or if it were some mysterious energy sustaining you to tolerate my nonsense.
occassionally i find myself disgusted at the way i am, i feel, sometimes, as if i embodied everything you ever hated. i feel as though i were a force of destruction uprooting the very life you lived.. and still i thought, maybe, maybe if i left a smile on my face, we can all pretend it to be okay untill we lose the reason to be in touch, forever.
it really is me isn't it, the lucky one in this acquaintance. i did take you for granted afterall..
isit escapism if i wish this to end?